So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
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