I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
