So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize