just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
i black out too much to be "responsible"
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