I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
