the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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