Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
