I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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