tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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