fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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