We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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