Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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