I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
