how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
she looked like the before picture.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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