You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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