I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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