I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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