It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
