The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Will exercising make me less horny?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
