yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize