fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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