I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
My ass is underappreciated
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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