All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
