I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
i out mim tonsoeep
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