If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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