batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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