We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
