Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
