My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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