Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
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