nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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