I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
