i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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