Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
