If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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