my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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