I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
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