i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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