I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
