and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
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