Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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