I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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