This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
