i think i have herpe
just one?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
