My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
