That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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