Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
