Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
