Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
