you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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