Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
