Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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