When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
