Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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