I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
