I wish my penis had an off switch
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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