We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Randomize
