He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
